“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
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Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.