Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
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no one likes gloating
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator