I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
They grow up so quick
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.