“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
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When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.