Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
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According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math