*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
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If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Meat Cute
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.