Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
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[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
The most important meal of the day is the next one
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
do horses think humans are hats
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?