Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
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If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
LA today:
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
mathematically impossible
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.