Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
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“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.