One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
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I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.