Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
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I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
look at me when i’m typing to you
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running