ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
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Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.