Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
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You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.