My inexpensive home security system…
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If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.