I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p