I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
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Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take