“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
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Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
gm
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Baller is short for ballerina
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
The biggest mystery of our time
I think about this a lot
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.