iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
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If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Botany good plants lately?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert