When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
How did we not see this back then?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral