I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”