What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
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Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
i can’t wait that long
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*