Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
You Might Also Like
you know what ruined my childhood? children
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My purse is deeper than some people.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Damn what did I do next
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.