Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
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To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
What a chick magnet..