There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I love it all
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand