Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
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Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
#StillHurts
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.