casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
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Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
🤣
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.