my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.