Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
You Might Also Like
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you