Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
You Might Also Like
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!