Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
You Might Also Like
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Bootstraps
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Carpe DM
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.