“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
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If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I WON A HAM TODAY
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*