cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
You Might Also Like
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Just why bro?!
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Twitter remains undefeated
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”