By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
You Might Also Like
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
BRAKING NEWS!!
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.