Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
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Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.