Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
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I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you