I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
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Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.