Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Not my job 😂
Name another movie that mislead you?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.