I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
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Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?