[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
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I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end