If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
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incredible text to wake up to
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?