This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
You Might Also Like
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those