No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
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How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The first one, obviously
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume