Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
There’s always that one guy
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*