A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
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Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.