You Might Also Like
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
2022: I can fix it
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
where the womens at?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
They did not think through this water fountain
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.