Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
You Might Also Like
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
This could be us… but you playing
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?