Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
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[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
lol
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.