4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
You Might Also Like
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”