My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.