Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
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*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I told my vodka about you.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.